Holy Hell…

I am absolutely positively terrified to answer my damn phone and deal with the student loan people..

They call me ten times a day! One day they actually called 17 times! Almost in a row!

I was in such a bad place for so many months there that I neglected many of my responsibilites. I was living in such a fog and I didn’t care about anything. When the time came that I was supposed to start paying the loans back..or get them defered or whatever again..I never even considered it. I don’t even know when it was that I was supposed to start paying it back. I never opened my mail..still don’t usually. And I just remember at one point I must have actually opened a letter from them and it said I was past due. And I still didn’t care. That’s how far gone I was.
Hell.. I still don’t really care. I care more than I did before I guess but I would still rather just ignore it.. I don’t feel like I exist.. I wish the outside world treated me that way.

And they are not going to want to hear about my mental health problems. They are not going to care. They are just going to demand their damned money.. which I don’t have and can’t afford to give them. You can’t get blood from a stone.

But I have to deal with it. I can’t put it off any longer. They are harassing my parents and a woman that I had used as a reference.

I am so scared of what they are going to say. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

I can feel myself shutting down. And I don’t really care. I don’t have the strength anymore to fight this. Ten fucking years! For ten fucking years I have been dealing with this shit…my fucked up brain..and I am just so fucking exhausted..

It never gets better. No matter how hard I try..my fucked up brain will ruin it. Ten years of my life are gone and I will never get those years back. I’ve missed out on so much. It makes me physically ill to think about all those years that I could have been living. I feel like I fell asleep and woke up ten years later. And I missed out on most of what should have been the best years of my life.

My last and only real boyfriend killed himself. I was 19 then. I didn’t get to graduate with my class. Didn’t get to go to prom.. I wasn’t aloud in the yearbook. Tried to go to college and flunked out miserably every time. Had two honest to God nervous breakdowns. Gained 150 pounds. Never got to date..have a boyfriend…fall in love again.. have sex..get married.. have kids..
Can’t keep a job..can’t handle college..can’t pay my fucking bills. Can’t loose weight..can’t keep my apartment clean..can’t keep any friends..Can’t save any money..Can’t handle responsibility..can’t sleep..can’t have kids..

I can’t imagine what it must be like to live a normal life.
I used to try to make myself feel better by saying..”What is “normal” anyways? There is no such this as “normal”.. Nobody’s normal.”

But there is such a thing as normal.. I know what it is.. I see it all around me every day. People living their lives. People experiencing love..being in reationships..having someone that loves them. Working..building lives for themselves.. Looking forward to the future. Raising children. Having friends.. having fun..
I don’t have any of that. I am not living. I am simply existing.

This disorder has ruined my fucking life.

And no matter what I do to fight it.. I can’t win.

I am so tired.