Dreams in words…

I’ve found that..especially lately..that I can’t go to sleep unless I am doing this. Or something very similar to this anyways. When I lay in bed and I’m trying to go to sleep.. my mind starts wandering and I start thinking about things I don’t want to think about. It’s easier to relax if I am pretending to be one of my trippy sneaker “characters”. Sometimes.. I can’t even head into bed before I am firmly intrenched in a fantasy life. Bedtime is the hardest time for me. Just laying there in the dark.. my thoughts run wild and it’s not pretty.

Funny Jokes

Stress Management

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

How many Manic Depressives does it take to screw a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to keep the first one from sticking his finger in the live socket.

*yawns*

I have been feeling really weird the past couple of days.. I feel very scatter brained..like I can’t focus on anything for very long.

Nothing seems to satisfy me. I keep jumping from one thing to another. Can’t even focus long enough to really get into and enjoy a fanfic.

It’s really frustrating so all I want to do is sleep so I don’t have to deal with it.

The other night.. even though I had slept almost the whole night..after sleeping most of the day before…I just couldn’t handle the thought of a whole day ahead of me feeling this way so I took a couple sleeping pills to knock myself out again.

I slept so hard and had some really wicked dreams… but when I woke up I felt like absolute shit.

I could barely move. I felt like I was still drugged…my arms and legs felt really heavy and it was absolutely exhausting just walking from the bedroom to the livingroom. My head felt like it weighed a 100 pounds. And I had a killer headache. And I was still so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open and concentrate on anything. I ended up going back to bed for a while longer even though I didn’t really sleep. But I woke up feeling a little better. The headache is finally gone and I feel a little more awake.. but I still feel really weird.

I suddenly have this urge to go for a walk. Get out of my apartment. It’s funny, sometimes I have to remind myself that there is a world outside my apartment. It’s actually shocking to look outside my window and see all that space..

Horizon Sucks!

Actually I just hate my behavorial health center. The place where I go to see my psych doc and get my meds. It is a horrible.. horrible place.. full of incompetant morons who haven’t got the foggiest clue what they are doing. And they couldn’t care less about the fact that they don’t. Because they fucked up.. I have to go without any of my meds until Friday. I have already had to get by on about 1/4 my regular dose for almost a week now because the assholes there don’t know how to pick up a fucking phone. I dropped off some paperwork the other day for Linda.. whom I’d had an appointment with.. and she told me to bring this paperwork in. When I called the next day to make sure that she’d gotten it… I was told she didn’t exist. Yes.. you read that right. She. Didn’t. Exist. That’s how fucked up this place is. Apparently, I hallucinated the whole meeting with her… Cause according to them.. no one by that name works there or has ever worked there. Anyways.. I have to go without my meds.. which means I will be getting sicker and sicker from withdrawl. I already have a horrible headache and I feel lightheaded so I will be going to bed early tonight I think. There is actually a lot more I wanted to write about.. but I feel like shit. So it’s gonna have to wait. You probably won’t be hearing much from me till this weekend.

Holy Hell…

I am absolutely positively terrified to answer my damn phone and deal with the student loan people..

They call me ten times a day! One day they actually called 17 times! Almost in a row!

I was in such a bad place for so many months there that I neglected many of my responsibilites. I was living in such a fog and I didn’t care about anything. When the time came that I was supposed to start paying the loans back..or get them defered or whatever again..I never even considered it. I don’t even know when it was that I was supposed to start paying it back. I never opened my mail..still don’t usually. And I just remember at one point I must have actually opened a letter from them and it said I was past due. And I still didn’t care. That’s how far gone I was.
Hell.. I still don’t really care. I care more than I did before I guess but I would still rather just ignore it.. I don’t feel like I exist.. I wish the outside world treated me that way.

And they are not going to want to hear about my mental health problems. They are not going to care. They are just going to demand their damned money.. which I don’t have and can’t afford to give them. You can’t get blood from a stone.

But I have to deal with it. I can’t put it off any longer. They are harassing my parents and a woman that I had used as a reference.

I am so scared of what they are going to say. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

I can feel myself shutting down. And I don’t really care. I don’t have the strength anymore to fight this. Ten fucking years! For ten fucking years I have been dealing with this shit…my fucked up brain..and I am just so fucking exhausted..

It never gets better. No matter how hard I try..my fucked up brain will ruin it. Ten years of my life are gone and I will never get those years back. I’ve missed out on so much. It makes me physically ill to think about all those years that I could have been living. I feel like I fell asleep and woke up ten years later. And I missed out on most of what should have been the best years of my life.

My last and only real boyfriend killed himself. I was 19 then. I didn’t get to graduate with my class. Didn’t get to go to prom.. I wasn’t aloud in the yearbook. Tried to go to college and flunked out miserably every time. Had two honest to God nervous breakdowns. Gained 150 pounds. Never got to date..have a boyfriend…fall in love again.. have sex..get married.. have kids..
Can’t keep a job..can’t handle college..can’t pay my fucking bills. Can’t loose weight..can’t keep my apartment clean..can’t keep any friends..Can’t save any money..Can’t handle responsibility..can’t sleep..can’t have kids..

I can’t imagine what it must be like to live a normal life.
I used to try to make myself feel better by saying..”What is “normal” anyways? There is no such this as “normal”.. Nobody’s normal.”

But there is such a thing as normal.. I know what it is.. I see it all around me every day. People living their lives. People experiencing love..being in reationships..having someone that loves them. Working..building lives for themselves.. Looking forward to the future. Raising children. Having friends.. having fun..
I don’t have any of that. I am not living. I am simply existing.

This disorder has ruined my fucking life.

And no matter what I do to fight it.. I can’t win.

I am so tired.

Moody me…

Even after all these years I am still amazed at how fast my mood can change. I know I was diganosed as a Rapid Cycler.. but damn..one minute I am anxious and depressed..not wanting to leave the apartment. Then the next minute I am out the door and talking a mile a minute and can’t stop smiling.
I was practically giddy. I kept getting these waves of excitement that kept flowing through my body..making me feel like I had something to look forward to. Like I had something really great waiting for me at home. Which of course, I didn’t. Nothing had changed.
I got home and remained perky for about 10-15 minutes.. and then I was back to normal. Or what is considered normal for me.

Now I just feel calm. I feel ok. I am going to read some fanfiction and then go to bed. No big deal. No great excitement here. It’s just same old..same old.

An update!

Where do I even begin?

-First.. my car broke down. I had to have it towed to the Chevy dealership which was closed for the weekend.

-I talked to Andrew. (I think I mentioned that) I told him that I couldn’t be his girlfriend…that I wasn’t ready.. that I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be…and that I just basically couldn’t do this. He seemed understanding.. until he started talking about how much he loved me and freaked me the fuck out.. cause.. hello! I still barely know him!
I definitely got the impression that night that he just wasn’t getting what I was saying..well.. I was definitely right.

He called the next night and left a message on my voice mail that he wanted to come over and see me the next day. Well.. I didn’t call him back because I had already had an upsetting night.. for reasons I won’t bother to get into know. That is a whole other story.. So I didn’t want to see him. I was suprised he was even calling.. I was dealing with too much and didn’t want to have to deal with his refusing to listen as well.

Well.. the next day.. I was getting ready to go to the store with my Mom and I found out that Andrew was here. HE CAME ANYWAYS!! Even though he hadn’t even spoken to me about it! And without even talking to me about it.. he made plans to spend the night at our friend’s apartment. (They live in the same building as me) So not only was he going to be there all freaking evening.. but he would be there in the morning too! And he intended on spending all that time with me. And this was AFTER I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore!
But he’s going around acting like nothing has changed.. that conversation never happened and I am just as nuts about him as he is about me…and I would be overjoyed to find out he was there (and wasn’t leaving anytime soon)!

Then…

- My Dad said that I would have to pay to get my car fixed.. which goes against the promise he made me back when HE INSISTED that I needed a car. He knew I couldn’t afford it.. and was perfectly willing to live in Phoenix or Chandler because they have public transportation. But NO.. he wanted me to live here.. where there is no public transportation. So he said if I would live here.. he would buy me the car and take care of the maintainence. That is the ONLY reason I have this car. Because HE INSISTED.

So I was pretty freaking pissed when he was suddenly saying I would have to pay for it myself.. which he knows means that it will not get fixed at all. Because I barely have enough money for food.. let alone an extra $800 on the side. So that means I would be stuck with no car.. and no way to get anywhere. You can’t even walk in this town because everything is so freaking far apart.

So I was mad and freaking out.. had a massive panic attack in the parking lot of the grocery store (which is where we were when my Mom told me) and then I had to go home to Andrew being there!

I said.. FUCK THIS! I am in no mood for this. I refused to see him. I was still crying and talking to our friend Jennifer, who’s apartment he was going to stay at, and told her exactly how I felt about his just showing up.. and how I told him before that I couldn’t do this.. so why would he just show up like that? And I also told her how much he freaked me out with the whole ‘I love you’ crap. I told her I couldn’t see him and she could tell him all of that when he asked. That she didn’t have to lie.

So that’s what she did. I only saw him for a few minutes later that night and he did apologize for just showing up like that. But we really didn’t have time to say much more than that because of the other drama that was happening then. Yes! More drama!

But that is going to have to wait.. cause it’s also kind of a long story and I have been babbling long enough.

I did find out though that my Dad decided that he was going to pay for my car. Cause not only was he going back on his promise.. but my not having a car means that they would have to drive me everywhere! And he did not like that! LOL

Getting on with it..

I have actually been feeling a little better lately.. feeling a little more motivated. I’m glad because it really isn’t a good feeling to not have the disire to do a single freaking thing. Including get out of bed..shower..eat..leave the house.. It was scary actually.
But my motivation seems to be coming back more and more.. I started getting the desire to do little things again.

For one I started eating again. Which is always good. LOL

And I got my apartment clean and have been keeping it clean.

I started a new drawing. My first Sam/Dean drawing. It didn’t turn out like I wanted it to and I am not going to post it bacause I am looking at it more like practice. Getting me back into the groove of things. I hadn’t drawn in so long I sort of felt like I forgot how to. And needed to remind myself that I could.

And I have been going out more. To the grocery store with my Mom and over to my parent’s house. Which doesn’t sound like much but considering how things were for me, it is a big improvement.

And I finished the audio fic recording I had been working on. That felt really good. The whole thing was a learning expirence but I really do love doing it.

So everything is going alright for now. Except that my sleep schedule is all shot to hell. Sometimes I sleep too much. And then other times I don’t sleep enough. I am up during the night and sleep during the day. I was actually awake for 42 hours over the past couple of days. That was fun.
I am trying. And that is about as much as I can offer anyone right now.

*yawns*

I have been feeling really weird the past couple of days.. I feel very scatter brained..like I can’t focus on anything for very long.

Nothing seems to satisfy me. I keep jumping from one thing to another. Can’t even focus long enough to really get into and enjoy a fanfic.

It’s really frustrating so all I want to do is sleep so I don’t have to deal with it.

The other night.. even though I had slept almost the whole night..after sleeping most of the day before…I just couldn’t handle the thought of a whole day ahead of me feeling this way so I took a couple sleeping pills to knock myself out again.

I slept so hard and had some really wicked dreams… but when I woke up I felt like absolute shit.

I could barely move. I felt like I was still drugged…my arms and legs felt really heavy and it was absolutely exhausting just walking from the bedroom to the livingroom. My head felt like it weighed a 100 pounds. And I had a killer headache. And I was still so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open and concentrate on anything. I ended up going back to bed for a while longer even though I didn’t really sleep. But I woke up feeling a little better. The headache is finally gone and I feel a little more awake.. but I still feel really weird.

I suddenly have this urge to go for a walk. Get out of my apartment. It’s funny, sometimes I have to remind myself that there is a world outside my apartment. It’s actually shocking to look outside my window and see all that space..

I have been thinking about writing the second part to the post I titled “Bad luck, or not?”…the one where I really get into the past and everything that has happened to bring me to where I am today. But it is really intimidating..And I am not sure I want to think about it that much right now.

Writing it all down makes it real.

Even though I know it is real..that it all really happened..it is just difficult to sit back and go over it all again because it is the main source of all my grief. It’s the reason I am in such a fucked up state of mind. It’s why I have the basic beliefs that I have.

But it is important to get it all out.

Podcasting

I have discovered the joys of podcasting.
I was already listening to fanfiction recordings by fans but I hadn’t realized that there were so many other kinds of podcasts out there.

I don’t have an iPod so I thought I couldn’t even listen to them anyways.. and then I found out that there are programs that will enable me to listen to them on my computer.. and will even let me save them as mp3’s if I want to keep them and put them on my mp3 player.

So I am using Winpodder which is perfect for me cause it works right through my Windows Media Player.

I went through a bunch of sites but the one that seemed the best so far is podcastalley dot com…
So far I have been focusing on self-help podcasts.. stuff about motivation and guidance..

The ones I like so far are..

Shadow and Light: A Guide Through Bipolar Disorder
Law of Attraction Tips
Yes You Can!
Life Challenges Podcast
Dream Your Life, Live Your Dream
Motivation to Move
The Daily Boost
No Excuses Weight Loss
Daily ProsterityGram

I am trying to be more positive.. It’s tough though.. But I am trying. Trying to change the negative recordings that are playing in a loop inside my head. Trying to have hope.

I went out to dinner with my parents the other night. It was their 35th Wedding aniversary..for some reason they wanted me to come along. I think they are just worried and want to get me out of the house. And babyback ribs at Chili’s is a good motivator. LOL