I wish…

I wish I could just live in a fantasy world 24/7. I hate having to come back to reality. I hate facing the responsibilities and the pressure and the pain.

But I have been slowly coming out of my fic obsession. It only took me two weeks. My attention is gradually being drawn elsewhere. I am noticing how my apartment needs cleaned and that I want to write in here more often. And like I said, I tried to get into counseling. It’s sad. I feel sad. Like I am losing something. And I don’t want to let go.

I really need to answer the damned phone when the student loan people call. I don’t know why I am putting it off. I don’t know why I am so afraid.

My life is just really sad. Just pathetic.

*throws pitty party*

I have been thinking alot about how when I was little… I used to love to turn my bedroom into my “apartment”. I sectioned off areas (I had a pretty big room) and made a living room and kitchen. Bedroom and room for the baby. (My favorite doll)

The living room had a couch that was made by pulling my trundle bed out halfway and draping blankets and pillows over it. I had end tables by the couch with a lamp and this box that I made look like a tv.
I cleared off my low dresser and set out my old kitchen toys. Toys I had from back when I had a little kitchen set up in my basement playroom. There was a little stove and plates and silverware and cups. Plasic food. Empty boxes of things I had snagged from the kitchen pantry.
The baby’s room was in my closet. LOL I cleared it out and had a little crib in there with a changing table. A box full of her clothes and toys. Of course I had all the little requirements for having a baby. The diaper bag, walker, playpen, and stroller. Bottles and diapers. All things I had been collecting gradually over the past several years.. Christmas and birthdays. My Dad gave me a keyring with old keys on it and I used to pretend that I had to lock and unlock my apartment door. LOL

I think back now and think, DAMN, I had a lot of toys. I realize now I was a bit spoiled. LOL

I had so much fun though. I wish I had half the excitement I had back then for my real apartment now.

I honestly can’t think of words to properly describe the joy I felt back then. I want desperately to be able to feel that kind of joy again.

Back then I had this great future ahead of me and I never doubted that for a second. I knew I was going to get married and have kids. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom even back then. Cause that was what my Mom was and she used to tell me how glad she was that she could always be there for me. I knew I had a great Mom and I wanted to be a great Mom too.

I never dreamed that at 30…my life would be the way it is now. And it makes me so mad that so many things had to happen that were out of my control and would ruin everything.

I never dreamed that I would be Bipolar, have to deal with such severe depression. Have to deal with the loss of so many people I loved. That I would get so fat and not be able to hold a job and go over ten years without a boyfriend. That I wouldn’t graduate with my class…be able to handle college. That I would develop Endometriosis and have to go through such intense pain for so long. That I would find out I had to have a hysterectomy and would most likely never have children. That I would be so lost and alone.

How could that be my life? Why did that have to be my life? Most people have to deal with maybe one or two of those things in their lifetime. Not every single one of them. And then all before they were even 30 years old? What was supposed to be some of the best years of my life were completely wasted.

A person can only take so much.

Ok.. pitty party’s over.. I’m tired. Everybody go home.

Happiness

Getting on with it..

I have actually been feeling a little better lately.. feeling a little more motivated. I’m glad because it really isn’t a good feeling to not have the disire to do a single freaking thing. Including get out of bed..shower..eat..leave the house.. It was scary actually.
But my motivation seems to be coming back more and more.. I started getting the desire to do little things again.

For one I started eating again. Which is always good. LOL

And I got my apartment clean and have been keeping it clean.

I started a new drawing. My first Sam/Dean drawing. It didn’t turn out like I wanted it to and I am not going to post it bacause I am looking at it more like practice. Getting me back into the groove of things. I hadn’t drawn in so long I sort of felt like I forgot how to. And needed to remind myself that I could.

And I have been going out more. To the grocery store with my Mom and over to my parent’s house. Which doesn’t sound like much but considering how things were for me, it is a big improvement.

And I finished the audio fic recording I had been working on. That felt really good. The whole thing was a learning expirence but I really do love doing it.

So everything is going alright for now. Except that my sleep schedule is all shot to hell. Sometimes I sleep too much. And then other times I don’t sleep enough. I am up during the night and sleep during the day. I was actually awake for 42 hours over the past couple of days. That was fun.
I am trying. And that is about as much as I can offer anyone right now.

Reality is overrated

I became completely and totally obsessed with a certain fanfiction I am reading. I have turned it into a trippy sneaker and have been re-writing alot of it in order to make it fit. I would never release my re-write online. It isn’t for anyone else to read but me. And it is completely someone else’s idea so I can’t take any credit for it.

But I have been having so much fun… I have had trouble thinking about anything else. Which means that my apartment became a mess again. (I have since cleaned it back up though) and I have been putting off other responsibilities. Such as taking my phone back to Verizon, and calling the student loan people.

But with the fic and the new season of Supernatural starting…I have had absolutely zero desire to live in the real world.

I have been on this dose of meds for about two months now. And I am pretty sure they are not working. It wouldn’t be so easy for me to become obsessed if they were. My next appointment is in a couple of weeks.. I have a feeling she will be increasing them again. Hopefully the next dose up will work better.

And I decided that I was willing to try getting back into counseling, but when I called about it.. they told me that the program that I was under that paid my co-payments wasn’t doing that anymore.. so in order to see a counselor..I will have to pay a $50 co-pay out of my pocket. Which I can not afford. Especially since this means that my co-pay for my p-doc visits are no longer covered. So I will be paying that $50 out of my pocket too from now on. There is no way I can afford that AND $50-$100 a week on counseling.
I barely have enough money for food now as it is.