It’s been tough..

I know I haven’t posted here in a while.. but I got extremely distracted by writing my own fanficion.

I allowed myself to become completely obsessive for a while. I was so wrapped up in it I hardly thought about anything else.

A few other things have happened. I planned on going to several get-togethers in Phoenix for people who are doing NaNo, to meet other writers and maybe meet some new people. But of course.. after driving two hours to get there..(because of horrible traffic)…no one was there.

It was just another instance where I make an effort and I get nothing in return. But that is something that is going to have to wait to be written about because right now I am too sensitive about the subject and don’t feel I could handle getting worked up tonight.

Something else that is happening is that I agreed to try something called Alpha-Stim. It is supposed to be really good for depression and anxiety. My Mom has been doing research into it and it looks like something I should try.
My Mom is convinced that this is the thing that will help me. This is the thing that will change everything for me. It will give me my life back.

I refuse to get my hopes up. I have done that too many times before and I can’t go through the disappointment again once it doesn’t work.

Of course I will be happy if it does. That would be wonderful.. I just can not get my hopes up. I will try it.. I will do whatever I am supposed to do to make it work. But if I am not expecting anything.. I can’t be let down.

I should be able to start using it next week.

Reality is overrated

I became completely and totally obsessed with a certain fanfiction I am reading. I have turned it into a trippy sneaker and have been re-writing alot of it in order to make it fit. I would never release my re-write online. It isn’t for anyone else to read but me. And it is completely someone else’s idea so I can’t take any credit for it.

But I have been having so much fun… I have had trouble thinking about anything else. Which means that my apartment became a mess again. (I have since cleaned it back up though) and I have been putting off other responsibilities. Such as taking my phone back to Verizon, and calling the student loan people.

But with the fic and the new season of Supernatural starting…I have had absolutely zero desire to live in the real world.

I have been on this dose of meds for about two months now. And I am pretty sure they are not working. It wouldn’t be so easy for me to become obsessed if they were. My next appointment is in a couple of weeks.. I have a feeling she will be increasing them again. Hopefully the next dose up will work better.

And I decided that I was willing to try getting back into counseling, but when I called about it.. they told me that the program that I was under that paid my co-payments wasn’t doing that anymore.. so in order to see a counselor..I will have to pay a $50 co-pay out of my pocket. Which I can not afford. Especially since this means that my co-pay for my p-doc visits are no longer covered. So I will be paying that $50 out of my pocket too from now on. There is no way I can afford that AND $50-$100 a week on counseling.
I barely have enough money for food now as it is.

*yawns*

I have been feeling really weird the past couple of days.. I feel very scatter brained..like I can’t focus on anything for very long.

Nothing seems to satisfy me. I keep jumping from one thing to another. Can’t even focus long enough to really get into and enjoy a fanfic.

It’s really frustrating so all I want to do is sleep so I don’t have to deal with it.

The other night.. even though I had slept almost the whole night..after sleeping most of the day before…I just couldn’t handle the thought of a whole day ahead of me feeling this way so I took a couple sleeping pills to knock myself out again.

I slept so hard and had some really wicked dreams… but when I woke up I felt like absolute shit.

I could barely move. I felt like I was still drugged…my arms and legs felt really heavy and it was absolutely exhausting just walking from the bedroom to the livingroom. My head felt like it weighed a 100 pounds. And I had a killer headache. And I was still so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open and concentrate on anything. I ended up going back to bed for a while longer even though I didn’t really sleep. But I woke up feeling a little better. The headache is finally gone and I feel a little more awake.. but I still feel really weird.

I suddenly have this urge to go for a walk. Get out of my apartment. It’s funny, sometimes I have to remind myself that there is a world outside my apartment. It’s actually shocking to look outside my window and see all that space..

I have been thinking about writing the second part to the post I titled “Bad luck, or not?”…the one where I really get into the past and everything that has happened to bring me to where I am today. But it is really intimidating..And I am not sure I want to think about it that much right now.

Writing it all down makes it real.

Even though I know it is real..that it all really happened..it is just difficult to sit back and go over it all again because it is the main source of all my grief. It’s the reason I am in such a fucked up state of mind. It’s why I have the basic beliefs that I have.

But it is important to get it all out.

The fanfiction connection

I had this little epiphany a couple of weeks ago and I have been thinking on paper about it for a little while now…trying to find the right words to describe it.

For months now I have been completely obsessed with reading fanfiction in my fandom..(Supernatural)..and I never dreamed that there may be a deeper connection to my messed up psyche than just that it was fun and I needed something to pass the time.

Then one day it hit me. As I started to think about what exactly I got out of reading these fics. I knew I must get something out of it if I spent literally ALL DAMN DAY doing it. (God, I sound like Dr. Phil) Because most days.. up until really recently anyways.. I spent literally every waking hour reading fic.

So I was thinking about what exactly I loved about the fics I read. Why did I love them so much? How did they make me feel? And I realized that almost all the fics I read have several things in common.
They all tell a story about two people who meet..are drawn to eachother.. extremely attracted to eachother. They go through all the emotions of infatuation..lust..friendship..and love. They experience the excitement of realizing that the person the love, loves them back. They experience the excitement of that first kiss…first date. The passion and intensity of the first time together…the realization that they have found the one they want to be with forever. The joy of knowing that the one they love feels the same way.
The fics always include so much more than this.. like angst and drama. Fighting for the one you love..surviving through tough times..and getting through the hard times together. But these are the few core things that they all have in common. And they are the main things that keep me coming back.

And then I realized why I loved reading about these things so much. Because through reading a fic.. I get to expirence these things through the eyes of the characters. I get to feel what they feel.. expirence what they expirence. And I can’t help but feel like that is the closest I will ever get to expirencing these things myself.

My only experience with love ended with the one I loved killing himself. Love to me means nothing but heartache and loss. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be able to make it through the tough times with the one you love by your side. Having that person be there to support you..and getting to be there to support them.
I can’t imagine getting to feel and expirence all those wonderful feelings that come from falling in love myself and still get the happy ending.

When I read these fics.. I am shown what it must be like. I am shown one of the things that makes life worth living. And it makes me realize exactly what I have been missing. It makes me realize just how big this gaping whole in my heart is…and makes me want to fight to be able to get to have all those things for myself.

When I feel like my life is hopeless…and I feel like I don’t have the strength to keep trying… they help remind me what I am fighting for.

I am hoping that I can get through this mess right now..with waiting to find the right dose for my new meds..and fighting my brain everyday..searching for a reason to get up every morning..and someday be able to find that place where I am able to start expirencing these things for myself. It’s really the only thing that is keeping me going. And reading these fics everyday reminds me why I can’t give up yet.

Even during the couple of weeks when I was mentally checked out…refusing to care about anything or keeping fighting..I was still reading these fics.. and I think that they may be the reason that I was able to eventually bring myself out of that state of mind..and get to a place where I am able to consider fighting again. Because I never let myself completely forget what it was I was fighting for.