Funny

Me = Stupid

I hate when I let this happen.

Nearly everytime I run out of pills.. I completely forget to go and get them refilled. I end up going without my pills for a couple of days and usually the only thing that gets me off my ass and over to the pharmacy is that I start feeling like complete shit.

I did it again this month. My pills ran out a couple of days ago.. and for some reason it never even crossed my mind that I needed to go get them refilled. All it takes is for me to miss one damned day of not being able to take them.. and I am suddenly forgetting to take them at all.

I think I actaully went about four days without my meds this time. And right now I have a killer migrane and I feel lightheaded and woozy. I also feel like I can feel the blood pumping through my veins..that’s the best I can think of by way of explaining what it feels like. It is something I only feel when I go more than two days without meds. I will feel the blood pumping really hard and my heart sort of feels like it is pounding out of my chest and I feel really light headed. Everything sort of spins for a few seconds. It is a very weird and uncomfortable feeling and it is usually the thing that kickstarts my ass into getting the pills refilled… cause I hate it and it makes me feel lke throwing up.

Another thing is that I am suddenly craving strawberries. What’s that about? For a couple of days now… I have been craving them and I ended up getting some when I went to the pharmacy to get my pills. (The pharmacy is inside a grocery store.) So now I am happy.

God, I’m weird.

It’s a mess..

My apartment is a mess again. But thankfully I actually feel a little more aware today. I feel a little more awake than I usually do. Like things aren’t quite so cloudy.

Thank God, because everything needs cleaned. And the cable company is coming over to hook up my new cable modem sometime within the next few days… so I want the place to look decent then.

I am really excited about getting the cable modem. It is cheaper and faster and I can get back to downloading things at a reasonable speed.

I usually listen to music while I clean. Something to keep my brain focused on and make the whole thing a little less dull. But lately I have been listening to audio recordings of fanfiction while I clean. It helps alot more than just music… I almost act on auto pilot while cleaning because I am concentrating on listening to the fic. And I have a new recording of a good and long fic to listen to this time too. So it shouldn’t be so bad. And I always feel so much better when my place is clean.

The only thing I want to do before I start is get something in my stomach.

The fanfiction connection

I had this little epiphany a couple of weeks ago and I have been thinking on paper about it for a little while now…trying to find the right words to describe it.

For months now I have been completely obsessed with reading fanfiction in my fandom..(Supernatural)..and I never dreamed that there may be a deeper connection to my messed up psyche than just that it was fun and I needed something to pass the time.

Then one day it hit me. As I started to think about what exactly I got out of reading these fics. I knew I must get something out of it if I spent literally ALL DAMN DAY doing it. (God, I sound like Dr. Phil) Because most days.. up until really recently anyways.. I spent literally every waking hour reading fic.

So I was thinking about what exactly I loved about the fics I read. Why did I love them so much? How did they make me feel? And I realized that almost all the fics I read have several things in common.
They all tell a story about two people who meet..are drawn to eachother.. extremely attracted to eachother. They go through all the emotions of infatuation..lust..friendship..and love. They experience the excitement of realizing that the person the love, loves them back. They experience the excitement of that first kiss…first date. The passion and intensity of the first time together…the realization that they have found the one they want to be with forever. The joy of knowing that the one they love feels the same way.
The fics always include so much more than this.. like angst and drama. Fighting for the one you love..surviving through tough times..and getting through the hard times together. But these are the few core things that they all have in common. And they are the main things that keep me coming back.

And then I realized why I loved reading about these things so much. Because through reading a fic.. I get to expirence these things through the eyes of the characters. I get to feel what they feel.. expirence what they expirence. And I can’t help but feel like that is the closest I will ever get to expirencing these things myself.

My only experience with love ended with the one I loved killing himself. Love to me means nothing but heartache and loss. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be able to make it through the tough times with the one you love by your side. Having that person be there to support you..and getting to be there to support them.
I can’t imagine getting to feel and expirence all those wonderful feelings that come from falling in love myself and still get the happy ending.

When I read these fics.. I am shown what it must be like. I am shown one of the things that makes life worth living. And it makes me realize exactly what I have been missing. It makes me realize just how big this gaping whole in my heart is…and makes me want to fight to be able to get to have all those things for myself.

When I feel like my life is hopeless…and I feel like I don’t have the strength to keep trying… they help remind me what I am fighting for.

I am hoping that I can get through this mess right now..with waiting to find the right dose for my new meds..and fighting my brain everyday..searching for a reason to get up every morning..and someday be able to find that place where I am able to start expirencing these things for myself. It’s really the only thing that is keeping me going. And reading these fics everyday reminds me why I can’t give up yet.

Even during the couple of weeks when I was mentally checked out…refusing to care about anything or keeping fighting..I was still reading these fics.. and I think that they may be the reason that I was able to eventually bring myself out of that state of mind..and get to a place where I am able to consider fighting again. Because I never let myself completely forget what it was I was fighting for.